Forgiveness

What exactly is forgiveness and can you really forgive someone for such a devastating betrayal?  Wikipedia says this about forgiveness:  Forgiveness is the mental, and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger against another person for a perceived offence, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.  So, what does it mean to actually forgive someone?

For one, it means that you won’t ever bring up what they have done to you in terms of being mean and to cause pain to them.  That doesn’t mean you can never speak of it again but when you do it will be to find insight and enlightenment to move forward and not to throw barbs at the other person just to see them bleed. 

Forgiveness is making up your mind to let go of the feelings of resentment, anger, bitterness and hatred you have towards the person that has committed the crime against you.  Doing this can take a lot of determination and effort but remember you are doing this for yourself and your health.  Forgiveness is NOT for the other person, it’s for YOU!  You have to make up your mind that you don’t want to live with these awful feelings anymore.  Forgiveness doesn’t come overnight, it’s a process that we all travel through at our own pace.

Forgiveness is also letting go of those feelings of revenge and the desire to punish the wrong doer.  You don’t ever have to believe that what they did wasn’t wrong or that it didn’t hurt you deeply.  That will always be true.  Nothing can take that away as it’s a fact but we don’t have to let that fact ruin our lives by holding onto the need to punish the guilty over and over again.  In the long run we aren’t only punishing them, we are also punishing ourselves. 

            Forgiveness doesn’t mean that we won’t ever think about the infidelity again.  But it does mean that we make the conscious effort to not to think about it in ways that are destructive to us anymore.  So, these thoughts will most likely come back to haunt you and that is only natural but, you have you have to be in control, don’t like your thoughts be in control of you.  Forgiveness is choosing not to dwell on these negative thoughts in a way that can become destructive to you and your relationship.  

            Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean that we have to trust the other person.  Trust is very different than forgiveness.  Trust is something the other person must prove they are worthy of.  Forgiveness is something we freely give and not something that has to be earned.  In reality, you can forgive someone and never really trust them again.

            Forgiveness is our choice and is up to us to give it or withhold it.  But if you withhold your forgiveness in order to hurt the other party, you might just find out that the only person you are hurting is yourself.  You’ll find that forgiving is very freeing, it’s freeing you of the bitterness and hatred that you’ve been carrying around in your heart towards this other person and your able to enjoy life again.

            But you’ll find that forgiveness is a skill that must be practiced and learned.  This won’t come over night and you may even find yourself forgiving the person over and over again.  Know that this is okay and it doesn’t mean that you have never forgiven them.  It just means that forgiveness takes practice and a lot of doing.  You’ll find that forgiveness is a process that needs to be gone through.  It takes time and work to process our emotions towards this other person like anger, bitterness, hatred, sadness, etc.  The process may seem to be moving ever so slowly or maybe not at all but just know that as long as your moving in a forward direction from where you are today then your doing just fine.  There is no time line as long as you are moving forward and not backward.  Just make sure you give yourself plenty of time to process all your emotions before you forgive.  If you forgive too quickly, you’ll find that it’s not real genuine forgiveness. 

            Forgiveness is a commitment and takes work and determination on your part.  You may wonder why you still hurt so badly even though you have forgiven the other person.  Forgiveness doesn’t take the hurt away.  Remember that forgiveness means you no longer want to get revenge on the other person, and that you won’t use what the have done to hurt them.  Healing the hurt is another process all in itself. 

People ask, “If I forgive them does that mean we have to reconcile?”  No, reconciliation is different than forgiveness.  You can forgive someone and not want to reconcile with him or her.  Maybe they are still caught up in the affair so reconciliation is not an option for you but you can still forgive them and move on in your life.  Remember forgiveness is for you, not them.  You can still forgive and not condone their behavior. 

        When you forgive and you let go of your feelings of anger, hatred, bitterness and revenge towards the other person, you get your life back.  Your health improves and you find that you’re happy again and that good things are happening in your life again.  You’ll find that when you don’t forgive that you’ll become an angry bitter person that no one wants to be around.  I found this out the hard way, so I know it’s true.