No Contact Letter

Once the affair has come to light there must be proper closure to the affair. An agreement must be made between that all contact must end between the Wayward Spouse and the Affair Partner and it must be permanent.  There are no if’s, and’s or but’s on this one.  This MUST be done for there to be any healing in the marriage.  The Wayward Spouse must commit to the No Contact Agreement.  Every time the Agreement has been broken the Wayward Spouse must tell the Betrayed Spouse about it as soon as possible.  Even if it wasn’t them that broke it, any contact whatsoever should be told immediately.  This will build some trust back up in your marriage if this is done every time.

            Writing a No Contact Letter to the Affair Partner is the best way to end the affair.  This way everything that needs to be said can be with no interruptions and without adding or saying anything you don’t want said.  Doing it over the phone or by email allows things to open back up for the OP to respond...and that's what you are clearly trying to avoid.

It should be written in the Wayward Spouse’s own handwriting.  It really should be sent certified.  Remember, this isn’t a “goodbye forever love letter” but it’s really stating that the affair is over, it was wrong, you were selfish, you love your spouse and family very much and you want to make your marriage work and that you’ll be fighting and working on saving your marriage.  You should also state how much you have hurt your spouse and how you are going to spend the rest of your life making it up to them. 

You also state how you no longer EVER want the affair partner to contact you in ANY way, shape or form.  If the Wayward Spouse does this just for his/her spouse and continues contact with the Affair Partner, then the Affair Partner won’t take the No Contact Letter seriously.  It also might not be taken seriously by the Affair Partner if the Wayward Spouse has tried numerous times to break it off with the Affair Partner only to come back time and time again.  So, the Wayward Spouse must stand firm and continually tell the Affair Partner how much he loves his wife and wants to work on their marriage.

 If you get continued contact the best defense is to IGNORE ALL CONTACT!!  The Affair Partner thinks that if they can’t just get the Wayward Spouse to talk to them then the affair will continue on.

            After the Wayward Spouse has finished the No Contact Letter, the Betrayed Spouse should read it, if it wasn’t written together.  There should be nothing in the letter hinting about missing the Affair Partner, and that the letter doesn’t mean anything, etc. 

Here is an example of a No Contact Letter:

Dear [put name here],

The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and cruel. It hurt many people, particularly my spouse, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make up for all the hurt I've caused my family. I am going to work hard to be the best husband/wife that he/she deserves.

 
Because of the terrible offense to my spouse and the damage I have done to our marriage, I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity, and to heal my family. Please also respect my wish that you not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.

My spouse has all the details of our relationship and he/she will also be told of any attempts at contact.

Sincerely,

[name here]  

©Marriage For Life Coaching Services , 2007

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